I have had a lot on my mind since Thursday but the main issue has been my upcoming surgery.

I was chatting with Amy (friend) about it and she was commenting that I was "... right to take a little time to think it through."

The thing is, that wasn't it. I didn't and don't need to "think it through" - it's a surgery that has to happen, I can't be left in the physical state I'm in - but I do want to feel confident that the medical staff looking after me are at the top of their game since I'm relying on them to ensure I'm physically ready to be operated on and I'm relying on the surgeon to make good my problems.

On Thursday there was a moment when I felt like I'd been a bit rushed through the system. When I'd been looked at rudimentarily and 'waved' by being told "Yeah, you'll be fine."

This is a big thing. This is a huge thing - It has taken years to reach this point and just being 'waved through' was not putting me at ease.

I am feeling more upbeat about it all now. It just took a while.

Friday morning's therapy session (with Sharon and Emma) allowed me to accurately pinpoint my anxieties and deal with them and then the afternoon call with Iffy and the fact that she handled me very well effectively relaxed me.

One of the issues discussed in therapy was my anxiety that as important as it is to me that the surgeon can do a good job of fixing my insides, what's really been making me nervous is how I'm going to look from the outside, prompting the debate: What's more important, how your body functions or how it looks?

Obviously bodily function is a must. It's not optional but what has come through in therapy sessions is that I'm also very attached to how I'm going to look after the surgery. It's not that I've spotted a photo in a Playboy centrefold and taken it to the surgeon and said "Make me look like that!"

It's more that in spite of all the issues with my genitals at the moment, they have always been perceived to (outwardly) look natural and rightly or wrongly I've wanted surgically recreated genitalia to look natural - as if I hadn't been 'messed around' with!

I've just had another thought: it's a bit like when an oil company says they are going to dig up a lovely valley (I know, that's a funny comparison) to lay a new pipe underground and the conservationists say "We trust you to lay the pipe down fine but can you make everything look like you were never here in the first place?"

Basically what I was saying was that I felt I was being asked to trust that the surgeon operating on me can fix my insides and I do, I am trusting him. But I also want to trust that he is skilled enough that he will make me look as if he hasn't been near me either.

I realise that is a very big ask! Is it a fair ask? I don't know - that's perhaps a debate all of its own. Can I make such a request? Well, yes I can but what will be is what will be. I can ask for anything I want but there are many, many factors that ultimately decide what I get and I, ultimately, have to be ok with that or else I'm setting myself up for a very big fall.

Sharon has great confidence in Dr Bellringer and whilst I have spoken to a number of patients over the last 3 years who have had 'little' post operative problems with his work - all the surgeons I know of have, in certain cases, had patients that have had little problems - no patient I know of has had major problems and I don't know of a single patient regretting Bellringer being their surgeon.

Face to face, I felt a generally positive vibe about him last Thursday. I do feel more at ease that issues are being dealt with properly thanks to Sharon, Emma (who continues to be an amazing support) and to Iffy (who is exactly as i hoped she would and does her job fantastically) and if after Tuesday's appointment with Iffy, Bellringer ends up still performing my surgery then right now I feel very positive about that.

Sometimes I get into discussions with friends about what has been said between two or more people and whether they've been hurting each other?

I've ended up having such a conversation with a friend (Mel) about stuff going on with her and it's got me thinking.

The problem is not always about what's been said but rather how it's been said. Often I don't think there is any issue with what one is 'saying' but I do think we have to be aware of how we say whatever it is we want to say.

One of the lessons I've constantly had to retake (how many times must I retake that lesson?!) over the last 3 years is that it's rarely been a problem regarding the point of view I've wanted to make, but I've been criticised many times for the way I've said it.

That doesn't mean you can't be honest or truthful - that is absolutely how one should be... every time. But the lesson I have been given many times is that even with honesty and truth one can be kind or at least try to be.

What one has to say may still hurt (a lot) but if one's words/actions are coming from honesty, truthfulness and kindness and does not involve selfishness then the... how shall I put it? ...the ball is very much on the other person's side of the net.

At 4.30pm today: I have spoken to the Senior Clinical Nurse - Iffy Middleton (really, really lovely) - who was actually present at yesterday's appointment and I am going to see her again on Tuesday to decide once and for all if I am fit for surgery in 5 weeks time however, during our phone call she commented that it's likely I may not be, due to still requiring a little more hair removal.

Though the appointment for the 25th June was very nice to be offered to me it is beginning to look as if it was a little premature.

On the plus side... my surgery has been approved and I will get a date soon, if not in 5 weeks then very soon. And that is something to be celebrated as far as I'm concerned.

Emma and I went to Charing Cross hospital in Hammersmith this morning to have a surgical consultation with Dr Bellringer at 9.30am.  The consultation was very straightforward, after all Charing Cross hospital know my case well - I've been going to frequent appointments there since November 2009 - there's a lot of documentation about me and I have been closely monitored by four different consultants.  Dr Bellringer examined me once more and then we went through the details of the surgery and possible complications, nonetheless this is something that needs and has to happen.

Finally Dr Bellringer told me that I should expect to wait another 6 months before I end up on the operating table with him. Fine - I was expecting that and then I was given an Admission Form and sent on my way.

In the Admissions Office I received a new surprise. After a bit of discussion between two members of staff over my form I was re-approached and asked "Would the 25th June be OK?" 

It turns out that there had just been a cancellation and I walked in to the office at just the right time! 

Yesterday Emma and I renewed our wedding vows in front of (a select crowd of) family and friends. You know who you are. I have the list (big smile). Caroline Grayson - a very close friend of ours and an interfaith minister conducted the ceremony at Winchester House Club in Putney, London. There were some who couldn't be there or weren't there who I wish could have or would have been but but all those who were important were there with us.

A few hours later (like now...) The morning after.

Wow Wow Wow!

Last night's vow renewal was quite overwhelming - I guess I didn't know what it would feel like. It's was an incredibly emotional thing.

I had been very nonchalant about it the last few days but then when we, Emma and I, stood together in front of family and friends I suddenly realised just how important this was to both of us but especially to me in that moment.

It blew my mind!

Emma looked radiant and to have our beautiful, loving, supportive family and friends present... Words fail me. Thank you.

Thank you All for being with us and making it a quite overwhelming, Amazing, wonderful, beautiful moment for Emma and I.

You all made great efforts to be here with us and you looked SO FANTASTIC! You all looked AMAZING!

The evening has been... was all I hoped for but at the same time so much more. So many moments. So many beautifulmoments! And dancing. Oh My God! The dancing!

Not that I want to play up any moment above any other but when Ellie came over to me and gave me a hug and danced with me too… WOW! But the evening was full if moments. I'm sorry I couldn't speak to everyone properly.

I hope last night will remain imprinted on my memory for ever.

So much love :-)

Thank you.

Thank you all xxx

You know what to do. Trust your instincts. The action is coming, like a train, and when it does there is only jump on or don't jump on.

But saying that, if one doesn't 'jump on', the the 'action' appears to keep on repeating! There are some doors that are just (apparently) unavoidable. Sooner or later we have just got to go through them.

Which all comes back to the beginning. When we say "I don't know what to do!" We know what to do. We may fear it but we know. Walk up to the door, turn the handle and walk on through.

Watched it last night with Emma at the Wimbledon Odeon on IMAX 3D.

Absolutely loved it. Great film! So relieved that the film lived up to the hype.

I've been having a lot of discussions involving identity and others share some very interesting viewpoints with me so I just wanted to note down my own response here before I forget it.

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The thing is, there is self definition (which everyone on the planet does) and then there is the definitions that get handed down to all of us either by the medical establishment or by World Society (socio politico).

I'm sure there are a few spots on the planet where you could get away from it but generally speaking, once we leave our home, humanity gets segregated into two groups - men/males and women/ladies/females. Whether it's our passports/birth and death certificates, the clothes shops we frequent or the public toilets we use.

However we might like to define ourselves, we cannot escape getting defined and I wonder if that is the problem/challenge?!

As an aside: I was at the hospital this week for an appointment. I was sharing with the doctor the fact that I'd been given a date to see a surgeon for GCS and the doctor's response was "So, you've almost completed your transition."

He meant it a a positive statement, but trying to look at it objectively and in the context of this discussion, where does that leave me?

I have defined myself as a female/girl/woman since I was a child but the medical professionals said I was a boy when I was born and society responded to me as a male until I changed my name and my appearance became suitably female to please society.

So, What is more important? How I define myself or how the world defines me? Is that a valid question? Can I dismiss the way the world defines me?

I don't know. I don't think so.

Through the process of Transition and in spite of the fact that I am pre-op, I have moved from being socially male to socially female. My passport and driving licence state I'm female, I can experience a civil union with either another man or another woman and when I go out I use the ladies toilets and I shop in the womenswear department without question or challenge from others.

Is it any wonder that I or others in my position as they approach or become post-op don't wish to leave the whole trans thing behind? Is it possible to leave it behind or does it depend on the individual?

Obviously there will come a time when I will be discharged from the clinic I go to and then I'll just be a person who sees my GP every once in a while to make sure my hormone levels are what is considered healthy for me and then there's also the fact that I and others close to me have a lot of old memories (and photos) of me as a male.

But for the most part we live in the now, not the past or the future and my now is defined (in very simple terms) as a woman (with a transgendered past that just may be inescapable).

Sure, there's a far more detailed and expanded definition but the world isn't often interested in it very much unless it really matters or The World thinks it's relevant.

Le Havre (2012) by Aki Kaurismaki
Review by Emma Cantons
(Watched with Sarah and I in Wimbledon. Quite a few people in the Curzon cinema.)

Le Havre is an astonishing film, it has the freshness and lightness of touch either of someone so skilled in story telling that they no longer have to stick to cinematic rules, or of someone who has never heard of cinematic rules and happened to have a camera. It is hard to tell which.

Some of the editing, particularly the sound is so reminiscent of 1970's french soap opera, that it is hard not to see it as a loving homage to that form, but it's possible they just didn't edit it particularly well. The surreal appearance of 'Little Bob' the all singing all beaming ewok, in the middle of the film, made me wonder if I was supposed to smile wryly or use the interlude to get more popcorn. Charming, yet inept, moving yet wooden.

The director's work has been described as modern fairy tale. Anyone who remembers 'Der Singende Ringende Tree' may well feel a frisson of recognition. This is either genius or ... not.